Number 6 | See a musical that everyone else in the world has seen …

A bit of a faffy title, that one, but the point is – I have now finally seen ‘Book of Mormon’. And what a joyous occasion it was!

‘BOM’ is a musical that it seems that everyone else in the world has already seen. Every time I mentioned I was going to see it, I got, “oh you SHOULD! It’s amazing! Get good seats!”

I’d bought two tickets for my brother as a Christmas present. He’s a ‘South Park’ fan (or he’s been known to chuckle at it, anyway) and since ‘BOM’ was written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the ‘South Park’ guys, he would definitely enjoy a show that talks about sex, things shoved up bums, and laughs irreverently at religion (Jesus’ light-up robes are fabulous).

The tickets cost £90 each, and then he decided he was going to go and see Kaiser Chiefs instead. In fairness, he’d had tickets for that for longer, and as I’d wanted the ‘BOM’ tickets to be a surprise, I couldn’t check when he was free. So I went with my good friend Russ instead (the dude who also encouraged me to go to a casino. He’s clearly a bad influence).

If you are one of the few people who has never seen ‘BOM’, please buy or steal a ticket. It will offer you in return the following things:

  • Shiny American teeth
  • Maggots in someone’s scrotum
  • Crafty advice on how to avoid feeling sad / gay
  • Jesus in light-up robes
  • A genius song about baptism that could equally be interpreted as a sexual come-on
  • The phrase, “I’m wet with salvation”
  • A comedy fat guy who is HILARIOUS and AMAZING
  • A very funny Ugandan version of the story of Joseph Smith, complete with Darth Vader
  • Men dressed as women
  • Bloody brilliant sets and lighting
  • A “spooky Mormon Hell dream” with appearances by Satan and Hitler
  • The fabulous Elder McKinley who is hysterical and DEFINITELY NOT GAY

Just go. Just go and see it. I have never laughed so hard at anything before. I also, when I’ve got some more money, need to buy some ‘BOM’ socks, just because.

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Number 5 | Watch a shit comedian …

I am going to apologise now to anyone who likes and appreciates John Shuttleworth (aka comedian Graham Fellows). I am not one of them.

I volunteer as a first aider at The Little Theatre in Leicester. On the night that John Shuttleworth was on (as part of the Leicester Comedy Festival 2017), I went along to do my duty and took my mum for a free evening of comedy, because I’m nice like that. And as a first aider, I get a spare ticket. But that’s beside the point.

It was the worst thing I have ever seen, and I’ve sat through, ‘Pygmalion’.

I don’t even know how to describe it. I suppose if you know the character, and have followed him for years, you’ll understand what he was waffling about. But as someone who’s never seen him, I have no idea who Rhiannon is, why she had an affair with someone else, why there’s a caravan involved somewhere along the line … I gave up. I found him too waffly, too mumbly. Too boring.

And there were a ton of kids there! KIDS! To watch a moaning Yorkshireman waffle and whinge his way through life, throwing in some songs for good measure (which were actually quite amusing)! But it all just baffled me. It was not my type of humour at all. *And* the line, “eggs and gammon / poor Rhiannon” was stuck in my head for days.

But hey, the plus side … It’s one more thing to add to my list.

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Number 4 | Go to a casino …

On hearing that I’ve never been to a casino my friend, Russ, said, “Right. We’re going.”

I should point out that Leicester isn’t exactly known for its casinos, or its glamour, or even for its good nightlife in general. I mean, if you want to be stabbed, sure, come out “in town” here. Still, we went along to Grosvenor Casino, me being entirely oblivious to what lay ahead.

Now, for someone who has watched years of ‘Hustle’ and has been to the ACTUAL LAS VEGAS, what I was expecting was glamour. Ladies in elegant dresses, men in tuxedos. What I got were men in trainers and cheap jackets, and barely any women at all. The table attendants (croupiers? Let’s not go that far) were the best dressed people in the room.

My first mistake was ordering a cocktail at the bar, and then finding out that tea and coffee was free. What was I thinking?! Why would I voluntarily pay for an alcoholic drink when there is FREE TEA (my goodness, I really am British)?! It didn’t really matter. Russ paid for it, anyway (thanks, pal!)

And then it was on to a roulette table. Russ informed me that I wasn’t allowed to leave without putting on one bet on SOMETHING. So we went with roulette, apparently the easiest game to play. It’s just choosing numbers and colours, innit?

The attendant gave me a speech about what to do, to which I smiled and nodded, understanding one word in about 20. We were the only people at the table which meant I could take as long as I liked, choosing where to put my chips (oh yes, the lingo is right) … And despite not knowing anything, I won £23! YES MATE! I’m taking that as solid proof that I am indeed a Casino Champion, and have no further need to prove this. However, it’s made me want to go again … And again … Which is probably not a good thing.

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Number 3 | Microdermabrasion …

Ever wanted to feel like someone is sanding your face? No? Just me, then.

In the ever ‘gung-ho’ spirit of, “hey, I’ve never done *that* before”, I decided to get microdermabrasion on my face. For anyone who doesn’t know what this is, the website of SkinBase, describes it as, “a stream of non-allergenic crystals to remove your skins outermost layers of dead cells.” It’s more akin to having a beauty therapist Hoover your face.

I went to a lovely local salon for this (HOLLA at Boudoir Hair and Beauty, Syston) and the head of beauty, Vicky, prepared me by slathering on a whole load of exfoliating stuff on my face. To be honest, it felt kind of nice. The she pulled out what looked like some sort of electric toothbrush (granted, from lying down I didn’t get a great look at it) and proceeded to stroke it in little lines across different parts of my face. She said in advance that it doesn’t hurt (it didn’t), it just feels like something is sucking (it did). I should have asked afterward if I could see the dirt it sucks off – Vicky, being the absolute monster that she is, has been known to show other clients who have exceptionally blocked skin the debris that has been collected from them in the Sucking Jar. Nice.

It was just … Weird. Did it work? Yes, to an extent, but you need more than one treatment to see any real difference. Would I do it again? YES but then again, I’m a sucker for any kind of beauty treatment. Even face-sucking ones.