Number 47 | Try a new programme …

Yes. I finally tried ‘Stranger Things’. Here’s my minute-by-minute account of episode one, ‘The Vanishing of Will Byers’.

  1. Shit, that’s a man who’s running away from something sinister. This looks good.
  2. Oh jeez, ‘Dungeons and Dragons’. Whoever said I would like this programme is very wrong.
  3. How much does the curly haired kid remind me of my own boyfriend?
  4. Four kids on bikes. If they start flying I will not be at all surprised.
  5. NEVER RIDE THROUGH WOODS AT NIGHT BY YOURSELF. This is always a rookie mistake.
  6. The kid has a shed out the back … like ‘ET’.
  7. WHY HAS THE KID GOT ACCESS TO A GUN AND WHY DOES HE KNOW HOW TO LOAD IT?
  8. Flickering lights. The quintessential signal of something evil.
  9. Ooh, Winona Ryder’s changed since that ‘Friends’ episode where she kissed Rachel.
  10. Creepy looking older brother.
  11. Ah, school bullies. This wouldn’t be a high-school TV show without them.
  12. Making out in a school bathroom. How has nobody seen them? Man has fantastic hair, though.
  13. Angry police chief. Standard.
  14. My goodness, everybody smoked in the eighties! You’re at work? Have a cigarette. You’re the police chief? Have a cigarette. Your son’s gone missing? Have a cigarette. What’s the British equivalent? Tea?
  15. Scientists suiting up in a lab. It’s almost guaranteed that they are up to no good.
  16. Who is that actor? Oh, ‘Full Metal Jacket’s Matthew Modine.
  17. Okaaaaaaaaay … Small shaven-headed girl wandering into a fast food place. They’re totally gonna catch her stealing food … Yep.
  18. The kids are being questioned about their missing friend. School teachers know absolutely nothing about young boys and ‘Lord of the Rings’ as it turns out.
  19. Winona, why the heck are you taking your little kid to see ‘Poltergeist’? BAD PARENTING.
  20. Fast Food Man has phoned social services. Bad move, dude.
  21. Girl has mental powers and an ability to control (I assume) all electrical things. Nice.
  22. Winona has a layabout ex-husband. Standard.
  23. Nancy wants to go and study at Barb’s house. I assume that means she really wants to have sex with Steve (man with fantastic hair).
  24. The police chief has a dark and twisty past; his daughter died a few years ago. He will now be driven by that to find missing Will. I also anticipate a run-in between him and the weird girl who can control the electric fan.
  25. Haha, two of the kids are talking via walkie-talkies. I love it.
  26. Social services woman has turned up at the diner and shot Fast Food Man in the head! I *knew* it was a bad move calling them! THEY’RE NOT REAL SOCIAL SERVICES! RUN, SHAVED-HEAD GIRL!
  27. Nancy and Steve are “studying”. He wants her to take off an item of clothing for every question she gets wrong. This is romance, people. Mind you, his hair is fantastic.
  28. I was all for Winona getting herself a stiff drink but now she’s been electrocuted by a weird phone call, I think she might need a bit more.
  29. The boys are searching in the woods at night (clearly ignoring my previous warning about this being NOT A GOOD IDEA). There is rustling in the bushes and … SHAVED-HEAD GIRL IS THERE!

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